Bonheur: My good life..

2005-10-29T00:12:00.000-07:00

It's so lonely here and only I know.
Lately, people have been asking if I am okay, commenting that I always look tired.
This is getting to me somewhat.. so much so looking 'alive' has become a conscious preoccupation in the presence of others. My goodness.. how silly.
Yet, these days, as I look into the mirror, I sometimes feel an immense repulsion and abhorrence towards the face I see looking back at me. This is a new level of being that I've come into. Never had I so much self-disgust as now. oh sick.

Sometimes,
I wish someone would hear me out and listen to me.. notice the hollow in my laughter, the aimless in my walk, the lost in my eyes.
But oh please, I have to stop all this self-pity and wallowing.
I need to start living for myself.
I need time alone.
Truth be told, this life has become rather painful.
And it hurts even more that the tears don't fall any longer.

I reckon there's no point waiting at all.
All that needs to be done is right here in my lap.
Buck up buck up! =)
Focus, I must..
Me and the happiness I WILL create for MYSELF.
Everything will be fine, no?
Everything will be. FULLSTOP.

I guess the pain will go with time.. it would. if I want. I must want to want.

2005-08-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

I don't like negativity one bit..
my eyes sting and my heart sink whenever they come, esp. from those I hold dear.
But I am full of negativity myself.
Feeling wasted. Totally.

All the positivity I can muster.. is still negative.

I feel like a old bottle of ketchup..
so full and with residue all stuck at the neck..
now, I need ketchup.
but it's not coming out..
because all the residue's stuck at the neck..
too long.. way too long.
so it is, I need ketchup and it's not coming out.

2005-08-20T00:16:00.000-07:00

But nobody really understands. Period.

I feel so empty inside.
An emptiness that can never be filled.
There goes me & myself, all alone..
Slowly, steadily.. to the end.

Some things can never be masked..
my naivety/ignorance for one. for sure.
My-my.. why? Why me...

Everybody knows.
But no one cares.
Why should they?

I'm left standing all alone..
as the world rushes ahead..
everybody grows.. stronger with each encounter, each challenge and each fall..
i'm left beaten and crumbling.
and there's no one to blame..
except myself.
I didn't choose to fall behind.
I just didn't choose to get ahead.
I didn't choose.
And it is what counts.

Serves me right.

Chin up.. well, trying to

2005-08-19T23:32:00.000-07:00

I like attending church with Mary Snail... it's so enlightening.
But no, I won't be converting anytime soon.
Amidst the swarm of bible talk, which I have never quite grasped
(or rather, never really made an effort to do so any way)
I've always found interesting nuggets of enlightenment & truths.

I like the last one about self-pity..
about how we are wont to slump into self-pity whenever we are down & out.
So very true.. like a clear drop of water from the sky.
Only after you have ploughed through all the bible talk, that is.
Which can get somewhat irritating as the pastor repeats & stresses repeatedly.

The one with Pastor Prince (what a name) was also nice..
about embracing the essence of things..
rather than trying to read deep into things..
living life simply and with a purpose.

Religions. I embrace them all, but I don't like ANY.

Maybe life's like that...
there's hope & good things amidst all the dirt shit..
but then, you have to plough and grind through all the shit first.
I'm trying.. to be optimistic.. but still.
sorry, no detour. no alternative route. dirt path - take it or leave it.
Shit man.

2005-08-12T23:56:00.000-07:00

I am no longer teary-eyed.. at least, not as much.
I am no longer feeling suffocated.. at least, not as much.
I don't feel resigned.. not as often.
I don't feel nothing..
I just don't know what I feel.. or to feel.

Like a bobbing drift wood in the sea.. no direction, no control, no end, no certainty.

I don't want to beg and plead anymore.
I don't want to feel sad and tired anymore.
I don't want to be bullied and pushed over anymore.
I don't want your love anymore. at least, I don't need it as much anymore.
I don't want anything anymore.
I just want nothing..... maybe just a little love, a little care, a little hug.
Yes, just a little.

My heart isn't cracked. But neither is it whole.

2005-08-12T23:38:00.000-07:00

TIRED. in every sense of the word.

I guess sometimes.. no one really understands. No one.

when will it all end?

2005-07-11T01:42:00.000-07:00

every minute, i wonder when will it be my last..

i guess it's true you never stop learning.. life is never short of suprises, good and bad.
and how they come one after another.. seemingly endless.
this one though, is especially lasting..
so long it has come down to a race between life and me..
so when will it all end?
because i don't think i can last any longer.

everyday, i learn i am less than what i think..
slowly eating into myself..
i am beginning to understand the full meaning and force of being WORTHLESS
perhaps, my only redemption in life would be this realization.

i am not as strong as i think..
there are many things i cannot do without..
i am not able to self-validate my very existence..
i would be completely handicapped all alone..

i cannot stand a broken family..
with a father that appears not to care..
a mother that doesnt't know how to care
and a brother that couldn't care less any longer.

it hurts so much.. i'll give up my life for a happy family..
my life in exchange for a dream of a happy family
or at least the absence of the pain of living in a broken family..
and so it is, it's my life i'm putting on the line..
because this is far too much to bear.

there's nothing for me to live for if all i have is a broken family..
i don't live for myself.

somewhere out there holding out for a saving hand..
sometimes, all i need is a good hug and a license to cry my heart out..
but alas, no soul is anywhere in sight
this is me. all alone.

so long.

p.s.: happy birthday Queena.. i miss you.. always.

Talk all you want.. as if anyone will listen

2005-06-10T01:20:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how despite all the increased channels of communications and the drastic improvements in communications means, sources, etc., we are finding it harder to truly "communicate" with one another?

My handphone is beside me, I'm online on MSN, there are people around me.. but there's no one I can talk to.

What an irony.

Just a click of the mouse, a push on the keypad.. so simple, yet so very difficult.
Suddenly my thumb weighs a hundred tonnes.

Who cares about 3G, broadband and 512kBps? What use..

Why-oh-why? Even a little soft sigh has to be suppressed.

Now, now.. when will I implode?.. so very quietly and softly, I may even fail to realise when it happens..

2005-06-10T01:00:00.000-07:00

i am so scared..

2005-05-30T03:12:00.000-07:00

I hear them whispering and i know for sure: it's about me.

Writing this as calmly as I can, maybe I'll sort out my thoughts..
a rare moment of hope - a hope that an answer would unravel as I go on.. a solution to it all.

Truth be told, I'm looking for someone I can pour my woes to.
The fickly- changing nicks of msn- and all oh-so-depressing - say it all.
It's like announcing to the world: I'm so sad, I've got problems.. someone rescue me.
Well, it definitely worked in getting people's attention.
At the same time, it made me realise something else. That I have no one I can speak to.
NOT A SINGLE SOUL.

Lest i go into lengthy pathetic self-talk that I am wont to.. I shall endeavour to do it as brief as I possibly can here.

I feel sad that it all boils down to a lonely miserable sense of being despite all the friendships/relationships that I have with the people I know. Thinking as hard as I might, I cannot even possibly consider anyone I can pour my heart out to without holding back, without feeling ashamed of myself and feeling like I'm a burden.

Perhaps once, there was Queena. But then, it's all in the past.

(Hmm.. I sure did it concise and to the point this time - short and sweet.. comes with practise.)

It's not about guys and studies. Nooooooo.
It's the family. This family.

Nobody's talking to nobody.

To Bing Shun, I've said my sorrys.
I have nothing more to say if he continues this silence.
The ball is in his court.
I am not and will not continuing this one-sided talk henceforth.
I've said my sorry. I've said my sorry. I'm sorry. (One last time, did you hear?)
I feel stupid to be nice and accomodating after all I have said.
It feeds on my scarely non-existent self-worth.
I spend my entire conscious life fighting against being a pushover, I cannot let this go on.
Because despite all the fights, I mostly end up a loser.
And it stinks.. always to be stepped all over. I feel miserable.
It's all the worse when it's people dearest to me who do so..
When will it ever end?

I need to articulate thoughts.
Not just let them circle in my head.
(I so want the blue slippers.. can't you just bring the sandals instead?)
Damn it.

Why can you be so all-encompassing at times and yet sooo petty sometimes?
Can't WE all just forgive and forget? (Instead of just always ME?)
Don't we all make mistakes.. I have always forgiven you.
In the first place, I seldom hold a grudge towards most things you do to me.
It's bloody not fair!

I have no freaking idea what is going on between Daddy, Mummy and Bing Shun.
As always, the BS-Mummy silent war is a long standing record-breaking drama that I have no wish to dwell upon. And now, Daddy is the new addition to this trilogy. or whatever.

For the first time in my life, I have given up.
I don't want to be PEACEMAKER no more.
It's tiring.

Somehow, along the way, I realise how much BS matters to D and M.
I am not being green eyes here but yes, he does.
Switching places, there would never be so much frustration in them.
And so much sadness and desperation that their son isn't speaking to them.
Because in the very first place, I would not be able to keep up such a long silence as you do.

I start feeling bad before they ever do. Even if it's not my fault to begin with.
Kudos to you BS, for the stamina and determination. Sadly, it's all wrong.

For the first time, I saw the desperation in D's eyes.
For the first time, I understood the extent of M's love for you.
Until I realise that she was using work to drown her cares.. so much so that she begs.. she begs to go to work so that she doesn't have to remain at home and face a problem she has no control of.. a dear son who would not speak to her... I didn't know she loves you this much.
I always knew the love was deep, but not this deep.
There's something in the sense of helplessness, a mother fighting for control amidst all that she clearly cannot that hit a chord in me.. so much love FOR YOU. I never come close. Never will.
And the moment I saw tears in D's eyes, it was unmistakable.
"I have one who doesn't say anything, and the other says everything".
Something in me froze when he said so.. I realise how much he needed you to speak to him, so much so that every word I said was irritating.. he would rather it was you than me. The bitterness in the fact that I was talking and telling him stuff about myself was unmistakable.
I can still hear it in my head. Clearly. It hurts. So very much.
For the first time, I realise I could not compare to you. On BOTH counts.

I won't hide.. I need love too.
I wouldn't mind it all.. I always wanted for you to be happy.
But this time, it all went a little too far.
Too many first times.. all at once. Too much to bear.
Not now, you see.. when I have my own load which gets too heavy for me.
I feel so neglected and burdened with the task of finding out what's wrong with "your brother" on top of the turmoil and frustration within myself with myself.

I am so very tired.

Nobody cares to save the drowning girl despite all her struggling and pleas for help. Instead, they push her further out to sea to save one who is stranded but yet not willing to hold on to her drowning hand. Everyone goes "Save him! Bring him back!" to her, not realising that she is drowning in a whirlpool herself. She reaches out to him. Yet he does not reach out to her outstretched hand. Her head, now fully submerged in the water. Will she die? Do we even care?

In their heads, the only thought is: Will she save him?

2005-05-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

Slept past 4 this morning and woke up 9-ish. I had gone to bed early enough at 1 yet I simply couldn't get to sleep. Hot milk was ineffective. Antibiotics, vitamins, pills didn't help as well. Reading neither. Music neither. My head was just filled with a conundrum of thoughts and I was just bound in helplessness, fear and panic. I finally wept myself to sleep - my body at last overcome by sadness and despair.

Isn't it pathetic the way things have come to be? And no, I don't like this feeling at all. Not at all.

It has dawned on me that what I really need is to gain control over myself. Lately, I have been doing much explaining, about myself, about others and about why things have come to be the way they are. It has all been very frustrating and tiring. And all for nought. With all explanations seemingly falling upon deaf ears or met with adamant rejection and refusal. Relationships strained in the process as well. I am reminded that perhaps I should begin change with myself, before I try to convert others. Where success in the latter is indefinite, that in the former is always possible and achievable. What a positive thought, ain't it?

I shall cease to explain (things to others) further. It gets too tiring and I feel so drained. It just feeds the vicious cycle of self-helplessness. Nothing's changed in the end. Only toes stubbed. Hearts' bruised. And I never like this hurting I feel inside or the hurting I inflict on others. It's simply too painful to bear.

I will endeavour henceforth to begin change within.

In the meantime, I will return to keeping my thoughts to myself. Maybe the decision to share and be open was a wrong one right from the start. People are simply not ready and may sometimes never be, regardless of what they say about being accepting. Many-a-time, we are so caught up with ourselves we simply resist/ignore what others have to say (well-meaning or otherwise).

Perhaps all the bad things would just gradually disappear if I keep it all inside.
Would they? In any case, I shall not tempt to incite others any further. The rejection and hurt is simply too much too bear. Good or bad, I am back to my shell. Till the next time.. it'll be a long time.

I cannot even stand to look at myself in the eye, much less others. I am so ashamed that I had once led myself to believe that I have the power to change others. So haughty and prideful of me to think so, to think that I had more wisdom than the rest to preach. Well, now I know I don't. What was I thinking? I'm no god, I am just me.

There's so much that I need to begin with myself.. first. Before I learn to crawl and walk.. steadily and with confidence, I shall never attempt to soar again. The cuts and bruises on my heart shall be a constant reminder of my folly.

Pray: mistakes shall not be repeated.

2005-05-10T12:34:00.000-07:00

"The greatest lie we tell is to ourselves before we sleep, that we are happy, and praying hard that when the morning light falls, our lies will become true."

Drained..

2005-05-09T18:59:00.000-07:00

As good as it gets, life can sometimes get you down.
It is getting me down right now.
And there's not even a nano-ounce of energy left in me to resist.
Take me to the depths of despair.
I give up.

2005-05-07T01:04:00.000-07:00

You ask me why I don't share my blog address with you..
It's so private no one else aside from myself has it..
I can think of no one whom I can trust enough to share this blog address with..
And thing is, it is not even about my deepest darkest secrets..
No doubt, reading it.. you(or anyone else for that matter)'d probably be rather shocked..
It can be somewhat intimate I suppose..
But definitely not the entire scoop out of me..
Like WALLOP WHOOP SPLOSH SPLAT!! (like emptying an entire tub of cream)

************************

Frustrated.
this might be at times veer to a one-sided perspective on my part but still...
I just need a little vent.
my life.. sometimes, I think I simply build it around my family.
Oh why do I study so hard? why do I stinge on so many things?
Yes, I do enjoy school.. but sometimes I cling on terribly tight..
Like not even daring to skip lessons even when I am sick..
Goodness! I can be so sick I cannot even stand straight.
But I just enjoy torturing myself.. inflicting pain on myself.
I am just so freaking paranoid about missing out on important stuff..
but I always try to keep it cool on the outside
fighting hard to keep the paranoia under wraps..
but don't you notice how nervous I can get at times?
and all for nothing..
and how I calculate every bloody cent..
like how one outing will kill.. well, I once DID think so.
my brain starts ticking like a freaking calculator each time I spend
the other essential items for the household that the money would be more deserving of..

the bank interests/returns I would lose as a result.. yea..
and you wonder why I am so good at mathematics.
practice practice, of course.
as if the money i spent would drag my entire household into bankruptcy..
oh dear, don't you think i should just chill a little sometimes?
I'm such an uptight scrungy little prude.
after all, money can always be earned back (aha, that was MY advice to someone else)
penny wise pound foolish..
I end up missing out on the valuable experiences in life.

And for all that.. no one bothers.
No one realises that I'm doing it all for them.
No one cares about how I feel.
How it simply sucks to be poor.

And as I keep striving for a better life..
no one cares for the little fragile me.
all you keep doing is keep harping on the negative and pathetic in life
going against all my will to make a better life for me and you.
as i comfort myself of all the blessings in my life despite some potholes here and there
you just have to keep dwelling on the bleak and depressing.
damn it. Give me a break.
As if I don't have enough problems on my own.

It doesn't help at all..
I try to patch up my broken soul..
and you keep cracking it up again..
I try to be positive and contented..
You make it sound as though I am building castles in the air.
Hell no.. I'm not.
I've thought it through thoroughly.
I now understand that some sacrifices are neccessary for better things to come.
But as I carefully clear the path..
You strew dirt all over my path.
I need your support. But you don't understand. You never do.
All you do is to continue breaking my heart.
As I build my self-worth and respect, you tear it all down. unknowingly.

Tell me what am I to do. I am so freaking tired.

You say one thing but you do another.
Have you ever realise that perhaps you are the one who doesn't really understand?
Yes, you.
How do I become confident when you slowly steal away my self-worth and respect with each word you say?
When will I ever learn to love myself?
Because even as I resent all that you say and do, you still matter to me
So you see, as much as I resent, I remember and never forget.

I am terribly insecure if you haven't already noticed.
Well, here you go: I am insecure.
And once again, you feed my insecurity.
I can be so self-conscious at times that it can almost drive me insane.
My self, my body, my everything.
And you don't help make things any easier as I try to extricate myself from this internal wreck.
Lovely, lovely.. so what am I to do now?

This insecurity is so suffocating at times..
I feel as though I could die a slow and painful death..
turning blue in the flesh and eyes popping out.. organs strewn all over the floor.
I am so freaking insecure it is pathetic. So very pathetic of me...

Sometimes I cannot help but wonder what am I doing here on earth,
stealing precious oxygen from others who deserve it more.
I am such a blood-sucking useless and rotting parasite.
Why me? WHY?

2005-05-06T23:32:00.000-07:00

Who cares about me?
And why is it so important that someone cares for me?

Insecure is probably my middle name.
I don't need love. Love hurts. Terribly.
I need a strait jacket.
And as if it will help.

I should just get a life. Or just die.

What the hell is wrong with me? EVERTHING.

Why? Tell me why I am such a pathetic useless heap of a god-knows-what...

2005-05-06T23:25:00.000-07:00

I am a poor lonely miserable pathetic girl.
Leave me alone.
Just let me rot and die.

2005-04-30T12:54:00.000-07:00

A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the detour.

A lesson in life to keep for life

2005-04-30T00:08:00.000-07:00

people, people, people... all the people around you(me).. that's the most important.

at the world bank talk today (the second one this week), i had the most inspiring lesson of the week.. and i hope this would be a lesson that would last a lifetime.

hope.. it's a very good thing to have.

peter stephens.. i'll probaby remember this man for a long time to come.

when asked if he was married and if he had children, he launched into a 'personal' answer about life which i will want to remember for LIFE. the guy who asked this question begged to be pardoned for the asking a personal/trivial question - oh no, not at all.. he simply wanted to know how they coped with family and all with the challenging scope of work over at the World Bank.

married? yes, he is. happily. for 26 years. he's 48. and has 4 children. 24, 22, 20, 18. lovely.

no doubt the work was challenging and yes, coping is not easy.
with the nature of the job demanding a high degree of mobility around the region and beyond, one can often stay out of home for weeks or months..

rajit for one, has a 4 month old son and has not seen him for the past month as he has been travelling to 9 countries giving talks on the World Bank. and boy, and as a father, that can be one of the most painful and agonizing experience.

peter himself has been very lucky to have an understanding partner. but still, there was a time when after a long absence from home, he found no red carpet greeted him when he got home. that's the danger one can fall into with such a job. the family has simply gotten comfortable without him around. and it no longer mattered if he was around or not. that was when he decided to put his passport away for months and spend time at home.

you can achieve great things in the world, but people/relationships once lost.. are difficult to reclaim.

as a father, one thing he often tells his kids is to always do something they're happy and comfortable with, regardless of what others say.. never do something that is income-driven or to please your parents or the people around you.. you'll end up sorely miserable. there are countless of such miserable and terribly rich people out there. when you meet the one in your life, simply go for it.. don't hesitate.. career and material stuff can always come later. it's the people around you that truly matters at the end of the day.

Don't end up being an intruder in your own home.

2005-04-29T23:31:00.000-07:00

It's over. period. life goes on. it does. it HAS to.

2005-04-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

sometimes i really don't understand myself anymore.
i feel like a split banana. one whole yet not complete. i feel screwed.

i feel like running away..
from all the people around me.
please stop being nice to me/please treat me nicer
please talk to me/please leave me alone
i'm torn and confused
i don't know what i want.
i'm just screwed up.

2005-04-18T19:22:00.000-07:00

this is to continue from where i left off this morning..

there can be so many positive and heartwarming things surrounding me
but i cannot help but feel cold, sad and lonely all inside.

there are many times i wished that some of these words would come from the people whom i hold dearest to my heart - my family.
sometimes i wonder if people know how much they hurt others unknowingly.
words and actions are powerful things. uplifting. destructive.

mummy tears up my heart. time and time again.
sometimes i wonder why she keeps seeing herself pit in a competition with her children.
doesn't she understand?
everyone is his/her own man/woman
why can't she grow with us and let us grow into ourselves?
why would a mother be jealous of her children?
why can't my mummy be proud of who we are?
why does my mummy make me sad?
time and time again.

and even if i should love daddy more (as mummy thinks)
why in the world should mummy be angry and jealous?
he's my daddy after all.

but me and my daddy...
i don't feel like its the same anymore.
there was a time we used to talk alot together.
then there was a time i used to long to talk to him.
but now i don't share and i don't long anymore.
why oh why?

maybe once i truly did love him more but i don't know now. not anymore.
daddy doesn't understand anymore. mummy neither.
money hurts. it does terribly.

and will my brother stop criticizing most of the things i do?
why is it that i never seem to be able to do right in his eyes?
when all i do, i do for him
when will he ever realise?

2005-04-18T11:56:00.000-07:00

there are so many things in my head i don't know where to begin.
sometimes i'd like to talk to someone but i have no idea where to begin.
now that i think about it, even if i really so, i realise that there's probably no one i can talk to.

yesterday, i heard many-a-inspiring/thought-provoking/interesting-thing.

first there was the tele-movie of Mitch Albom's Five People You Meet in Heaven.
Remember the Blue-man? He said something along these lines:
"No life is wasted, I died but you lived"
this was in response to Eddie (Jon Voight) expressing remorse over being the cause of his death, which happened because he swerved his car into a truck to avoid hitting a young Eddie crossing the road to pick up a ball, oblivious to the car before him.

"Strangers are just family you have yet to acknowledge"

and then there was the Captain..
he shared how all his life he was taking orders, Yes Sir.. No Sir!, being borned in a military family. and yet here he was having to give orders (for the very first time), leading a bunch of guys who had huge faith in him and trusted him to do right. he felt that f he could not keep them together, the least he could do was to keep them alive. That was why he shot Eddie's leg.
it scarred Eddie and changed his life forever but it saved him.

I stop watching after that.. but i remember it was Ruby, the owner of the pier and his wife Margarite whom he would next meet.. and then I don't remember the last person.

and then there was the Channel NewsAsia series on UpClose (with your ministers dearest).
Last night, it was Tharman Shanmugaratnam, the Minister for Education.
I liked especially the segment where they profiled him alongside his children and the thoughts he shared on parenting/family.

"What's important is to have a genuine interest in people, a genuine interest in the welfare of the people around you and to have a healthy attitude towards life.. "
and there was something about building confidence in his children and how confidence is very important in life.

and then there was this Italian movie.. the one about the window. I have the VCD at home. Bought it from Alliance Francaise during the French Film Festival last year.
Davide/Simone said to Giovanna:
"You must not be content with what you have.
You must want to have a better life.
Not just dream about it."

Does everyone who leaves the world leave behind a part of themselves in you?
Maybe that is the secret of memories.
You are never alone.

2005-04-17T00:46:00.000-07:00

There's so much that I want to say.. but I have no idea where to begin.

I feel so handicapped and useless.. I feel like a blocked artery.

Random thoughts..

I cannot continue a conversation.. that I started.
I worry too much.. I can't make my own decisions.
I am not able to assert my rights.. if I even have. seems like I have no respect for myself.
I get nervous over nothing.. and I just stand still gripped by fear. irrational fear.

What is wrong with me?

I have so much to learn and more.

question

2005-04-16T02:17:00.000-07:00

Daddy: Do you already know what is it that you want in life?
Me: ... *blank*

I had no answer.
What do u say to such a question? What do I say?

I am thinking.

I need an answer.

2005-04-16T02:09:00.000-07:00

don't u look at yourself in the eye some day and realise that you are not the same anymore.
things change so much and yet so subtly.. and it's often a shock that jolts you out of unawares.
for better or for worse.. there's no turning back.

2005-04-14T00:30:00.000-07:00

i am crying as i write this.
I feel so miserable all inside.
i hate being bullied.
stop treating me like a piece of bloody crap.
stop grumbling at me when it's not my bloody fault.
stop pushing me around.
stop dumping stuff on me.
stop giving me those acusing looks like i am always in the wrong when i am NOT!
stop giving me a mouthful of crap about what I am and what I should do.
go look at yourself first.
i am no pushover even if i don't say a thing.
please shut up. or i will make you.
please stop staring. or i will dig those eyeballs out of your sockets.
give me some due respect.
i HATE being shoved around and being a vent for your anger.
all the curses and swears in my head.
you had better they stay up there.
i feel like swinging my arm at someone. punching your nose. slapping your bloody face.

i feel useless. because all i do is keep it all inside. all i do is feel, feel and cry.
i never say out what i want to.
i just stare and stare and feel hurt all inside. and keep all quiet.
i hate not retaliating when i should. i just bear and stare.
perhaps you keep giving me crap because i keep accepting them.
i have never said yes, but i have never said no either.
that's why. i keep getting all these crap.

i am useless. USELESS.
all i do is torture myself. silently. suffering. painfully.
i should get a life.
i should just go and die.

2005-04-10T18:39:00.000-07:00

thank goodness for some people in my life who teach me how to appreciate the simple things in life even as I soar and achieve greater heights (or try to).. remind me of those little things that I am wont to take for granted.. teach me how to laugh at myself and at life.. teach me to take things easy and be easy on myself even as I strive to be better.. give me a happy life.. a life that I will not trade for anything else. thank you to all the wonderful people in the world.

life.. despite it's ups and downs.. and all the challenges and hiccups.. is still good.

reality check

2005-04-08T00:28:00.000-07:00

i am immature. i need to grow up.
no, i am not depressed. maybe melancholic.
i need to concentrate.
some things are just not meant to be.
i should only know better.

to each his/her own (life)..
mine is thus.. and i have to take it as it is. and make it better. for myself.
it's neither better nor worse than anybody else's
it's just special and unique the way it is.

i need to grow up.
stop building castles in the air.
some things are just meant to be.

my life is good.. it has always been.
i should be thankful for all that i have
i should be counting my blessings.
i have so much and more.
i should not be asking for more.

grow up. quick.
stop harping on the unrealistic and impossible.
get real.

what's real what's right in front.
no more.. daydream. fantasies.
get real. i have to. i need to.

my life is so good it feels like a dream.
i cannot help at times but.. feel like a stranger to myself.
allow me to sigh a little sigh.

just a little..

2005-04-08T00:09:00.000-07:00

why is the world so depressed over the exams?
this lead-up to the exams should be one of the best times..
i feel like i am really learning.. like my brain is functional after all :)
i should be enjoying myself
no doubt the grades do bother me a little..
like the rest, i want to do well too.
but i want to be enjoying this.
and i am. a little.

reflections

2005-04-03T23:53:00.000-07:00

sick again..
sore in the throat, stuck and wheezy in the nose, teary in the eyes, warm on the forehead..
.. but it feels alright.

been reading some blogs of people whom i know, but who prob don't know that i am reading.
i feel very guilty at intruding.. and i am somewhat surprised/shocked at some of the things i've read. i never knew.. (well, of course.. how would i have known?)

but then again, to see things from a positive light,
reading about the blogs (or rather one particular blog) made me realise that everyone has their own take of each situation. and sometimes, we get blinded so much by our emotions and preconcieved notions that we fail to see things for what they are at the very moment or to consider an alternative possibility to the perspective we have.

i have to admit i am sometimes/often guilty of this.

as well, sometimes, we aren't having enough information to know better.

it's an interactive interplay of a number of factors.

today, i am reminded of the need to be patient and not jump to conclusions or stick stubbornly/rigidly to one perspective.. not that i have been particularly all-worldly-wise, but that i am a little upset that people (me included) have been rather impulsive at times.

but then again, more than one factor is at play.

the message here is to be careful and aware as possible henceforth.

today, i know better too. all i'll say is: to each his/her own..

allow me to sigh a little sigh..

and to end on a childish note,
this morning after breakfast, i laid on bingshun's stomach. criss-crossing stomach-to-stomach. and we were talking. i cannot remember now what were we talking about because it was so fun.. just feeling his stomach moving with each breath he takes against mine :)
whee.. haha. so fun. then it got ticklish. it felt like a waterbed. haha.
my brother has a jiggly 6 pack waterbed for a stomach! :)
so childish of me.. but i don't care. :)

2005-04-02T23:15:00.000-08:00

sometimes i don't know what's real and what's not anymore.
life gets tiring sometimes..
and with each laboured breath i take, i just get even more lost in this jungle of a world.
sometimes i wish somebody would fish me out of this entangled mess.
but then again, would i even reach out to the rope when it should one day dangle right before me?

i have no idea. i'm scared. and nobody else knows. very scared. lonely. sad. very tired.

2005-04-02T22:56:00.000-08:00

it's all in my imagination.
i should have known better.
what's real is that which is right before me.
building castles in the air.. only gets you(me) nowhere.
sigh..

...

2005-03-31T23:39:00.000-08:00

things feel fine on the surface; but when i probe deeper into myself,what a whirlwind i find.
psych classes are loads of fun.. but sometimes the quizzes get a little too personal for comfort.
they make me all too aware and conscious of myself..
they make me face up to the things i've been sweeping under the carpet, things i've been avoiding and trying to hide beneath my seemingly happy exterior.
but oh well.. after the initial discomfort, i feel much at ease.
at the end of the day, i'm glad the prof shared those quizzes in class.
it's good to be reminded of i really am all about.
no point avoiding. avoidance is not a solution anyway.

random thoughts..

2005-03-28T14:41:00.000-08:00

life is good.. it has always been.. but nothing may ever make me happy again.

last night, i had a feeling of overwhelming sadness..
i felt like it was the 'END of the end of the world'..
and no tear would fall.. making it all the worse.
it's like i couldn't even let the sadness go away as much as i wanted it to.
it simply engulfs me.
and i'm like a shrieking helpless bird slowing burning to ashes in this sadness that blankets me
a shrieking mute bird.
if only someone could hear me.

this morning, i woke up feeling numb.
but bernice made my day a little better.. thanks bern.
so right now, i'm thawing..
things don't feel so bad now. but that doesn't mean it is any better.

in my heart remains a feeling that some things are never gonna be the same again.
the feeling of being carefree and truly happy seems to have lost me..
i hope not forever. but i don't know for sure anymore.

t.i..r...e....d.....

2005-03-24T00:43:00.000-08:00

late nights makes me tired.. but it doesn't beat the weariness that comes from within..
i love those occasional late nights.. where i'm in a rare state of focus and i get things done.
more so, i love the way they leave me feeling sedated in the day.. and justify the power naps i take.. they bring me away from reality.. into dreamless dream land. just what i need.

sometimes i wish someone would listen to me.. is that too much to ask for?
i've got my own share of stuff to deal with too..
i am only but a sister..
i am not his mother, not his father.. and i will never be.
there's no one else i love and care as much as i do to you..
yet i have only so much to give.. and sometimes, i need a little love myself.
do you ever realise? does anyone ever?

misunderstood and hurt.
sometimes i wish you pay a little more attention to the things around you and the people who care for you (but perhaps don't know the right way how) ..
i'm tired all the 'please remember to tell/talk to..', 'can you call.. and ask/tell..?', 'have you talk/tell..?'
you bloody ass.. i'm tired.
why is it always me, me and me?
and it's worse that you think it's all about you, you and you.
knock some sense into your own head.
before you knock everything in mine, out.

maybe i really am asking for too much..
i ought to straighten out my thoughts MYSELF..
and so, it's me alone again. naturally(?)

t.i..r...e...d

2005-03-19T00:43:00.000-08:00

sometimes i think blogging simply encourages the loneliness in me to grow.. like mould.
greyish green parasites on my weary soul..

i keep telling myself i am lucky.. but i can't help being lonely.
the people i need most aren't the ones around me.
it's funny how the people nearest to you can be the most distant.
it is the feeling you get when you miss you mum, dad and brother even when they are right in front of you, beside you, next to you.. (you get the point)

and some others whose attention i appreciate.. yes i honestly do..
i wish they would just disappear from my life..
it's nice, but it's irritating the hell outta me.

aha! cognitive dissonance. (actually, i don't really know)

i know that i have not been in focus. i hardly sustain through anything nowadays..
all the books that i love to read.. i really would want to finish them.. i still love them
but distractions keep diverting my attention.
and all the democracy readings i'm supposed to do..
will I get to finish them before the final exam?
and i end up stoning.. staring blankly at the walls in front of me.
i need to pull myself together. period.

and i can't stop smiling when i'm miserable.
'behind every happy face is a sad story'? - i don't know.. i don't know

it's not easy to be me.

2005-03-18T06:57:00.000-08:00

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a day that I could give you
I’d give to you a day just like today
If I had a song that I could sing for you
I’d sing a song to make you feel this way

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high

If I had a tale that I could tell you
I’d tell a tale sure to make you smile
If I had a wish that I could wish for you
I’d make a wish for sunshine all the while

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy
Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry
Sunshine on the water looks so lovely
Sunshine almost always makes me high
Sunshine almost all the time makes me high
Sunshine almost always

i love being sick if not for...

2005-03-17T21:54:00.000-08:00

being sick..

i had the highest fever in a long time on tues - 38.9. temperatures like this are very often what i see on the thermometer shoved into bing shun's mouth.. never mine. the most i would go.. 37-ish.

you know when you are really sick when you cannot even see the wall inches away from your face. and your feet feels like jelly in quicksand with each step you take.. or try to take.

and i vomitted the morning after .. the last time i did so was probably after that MacDonalds' kitchen tour at Bishan some many years ago. it must have been 6 years..

i love being sick if not for the twc presentation i had to do on wed morning and the psych midterm #2 today.

i simply enjoy bingshun fussing over me..
taking my temperature. pouring me a glass of water. touching my head and neck. nagging at me to stop work, rest and sleep early. i feel so loved. despite all his immaturity when it comes to life and living (loud sigh!!), he's pardoned that very moment for the love he showers upon me. i do wish he would be more sensible in all other ways for his own sake. nevertheless, the warmth resonates in my heart.. ooh, so nice.

and celine dearest .. she was prepared to violate her 'no-taxi rule' for me. we boarded bus 93 instead though. and the plastic bags.. red hot and pastel pink. thanks girl. i appreciate it bunches :)

i would have probably be in a rotten state with stomach juices all over myself.. pale, green and purple in a crumpled pile without her on wed morning. no, i don't mind celine's nagging.. it's music to the ears.. :)

being sick reminds me i have to love myself a little more. and a little more i shall love myself :)

being honest..

2005-03-17T21:12:00.000-08:00

when i read the blogs of friends, i often marvel at their honesty and openness with which they share their feelings..

honesty with feelings.. it's a mammoth task for me.

i won't lie but i won't be honest either. i simply avoid.

sometimes i wonder if anyone reads my blog.. by chance or otherwise. i don't disclose my blog address but u never know.. search engines are powerful stuff.. so far, no evidence of invasion detected. no one leaves a message. but then again, if you are trespassing, would you be so blatant as to leave the gates open and erect a signboard claiming your presence after you enter? no you wouldn't. in your right mind, you wouldn't.

ramblings...

2005-02-27T22:44:00.000-08:00

Aye.. I don't really know what to say.. or how to begin..
I'm here on this page because I don't really have anything to do.. actually, I do.
I'm just feeling a little bored.. or maybe I'm just boring..
I shall make it a effort to write this in proper sentences.
This is so that I have something to keep me occupied. Well, I chose an orange font colour to brighten up my day.. but then again, I am not exactly feeling gloomy. honest.
I just read a little of Bing Shun's blog (well, he posted the address on his msn) and he mentioned something that probably speaks very well of how I am feeling right now.
I shall not quote because I just closed the window and I cannot be bothered to open it again.
But well, he just said that he was writing that day because it beats speaking to himself in front of a mirror. Haha! Trust him to say so.. but well, I guess we all have lonely days/periods..
he probably doesn't have it that much.. I mean just listen to the number of times his handphone rings in a day :)
BUT then again.. I know very well that handphone rings is not a measure of (un)loneliness..
he he doesn't already know.. I am always here for him. period. *
* pardon the occasional moodswings and idiosyncrasies :)

okay, I just changed the font colour.. ooh ahh...
I didn't mean to talk so much about bing shun. but it's alright.. I was just finding something to do/ think about... not that I don't have anything else to do and think about.
I just feel so stifled and stuffy all inside.. okay, it's not as bad as it sounds.. or at least that's what I say to myself all the time.
Sometimes I probably speak to myself so much.. I can't differentiate the real from the not..
like when I tell myself everything is okay.. it is okay.. but the truth is: it probably really isn't.
Being positive and open-hearted is one thing but I feel that at times, it is neccessary to acknowledge the rotten apples in life... no? or bananas or grapes or blueberries. :)
..because acknowleging enables acceptance and only so, can solutions be found.
When I brush aside problems as not, I suppose they resurface time and time again as problems wearing different masks each time because they have never been settled in the first place.
see.. life is sometimes like a delicate balancing act.. too much of a good thing is no good :)

Sometimes when I smile and I say I am so happy :) .. I really am not..
Sometimes when I smile and I say I had fun :) .. I really am not..
Sometimes when I smile and I say I won't be lonely and not to worry.. I am not sure of myself..
Sometimes when I smile and say it's okay.. it really is not..

And sometimes when I keep silent, it is not because I keep things to myself and don't wish to share.. it is because I no longer know how to start.. how to share what is real and true .. how do I say I am not happy.. I didn't have fun.. and that I am feeling very lonely all alone all inside.
Would anyone understand? Would anybody even have the time to listen to me?

But it's alright.. I have many blessings to count.

Why do I still ask for more?

I don't know man.. my battery's low: You should change your battery or switch to outlet power immediately to keep from losing your work.....

2005-02-23T17:55:00.000-08:00

my eyes when i cannot see, my ears when i cannot hear..
i thank thee for simply wanting the best for me and for being proud of who and what i am

very often, we fail to realise how very lucky we are..
i am always guilty..
but i always have the lighthouse(s) there for me..
guiding my every step..
reminding me of the many good things i have before me..

i am very lucky and life is very good..

you said it best:

"sometimes, bad things/people are necessary in life.. to remind us that we have so many good things around us.."

THANKS! words of wisdom.. they mean so much to me :)

Oh well.. when will i ever learn?

2005-01-04T16:17:00.000-08:00

Ah.. my first day back in sch. What a day.

I supposed time tells it all. Relationships. People.

Thinking about it simply makes me want to cry... burning tears stinging the back of my eyes. Darn. All those mushy buddy buddy nonsense. Yes, nonsense. that's what it is. Self-interest. Is that what we all live for? Darn. I am pissed at myself. You stupid doormat. How many times must you be trampled on and shoved around before you learn? D's right. d's right too. damn it.

Trust. Who can I trust? Is it even a question of who? Or should it be a question of whether I can trust anyone any longer?

I am depressed. This is no joke. ( but I will get over it... or so I'd like to think.)

Darn. Pissed at myself.

Be Careful What You Say

2004-12-10T02:06:00.000-08:00

Ahhh... the things you carelessly say.. how they pierce deep into my heart. Bleeding. Uncontrollably. The blinding pain.. suffocating. Silent tears choking me up.. I am no longer able to speak.

Time and time again... each time it begins to heal, you strike once more. When will you ever realise the immense pain you are inflicting? And there the pain stays like millions of glass shards embedded in my bleeding heart... slowing sapping away the life in me..

And you ask why I keep silent, sitting there in a corner. Because it hurts so much. Terribly. That's why.

Never take things for granted. Be careful the things you say.. especially with people you are most wont to let your guard down.

The people you love and treasure most are the ones who hurt you most.

Dear ~

2004-12-09T11:37:00.000-08:00

Dear ~,

Let go, let go. It's perfectly alright to fall flat on your face sometimes. One can never be all-perfect. You win some, you lose some. Let it go and make peace with yourself. Take pride in what you have.

Love,

2004-12-05T02:23:00.000-08:00

I went to the chinese doctor at clementi today (sic) .. FINALLY. I was 10 the last time I went there. The place looks the same.... but time has aged us all. I am a little girl no more.

She sighs as she take my pulse... everything's wrong. The blocked nose leads to the blocked ears, the phlegmy dry throat, the puffy bluish eyes, the dry, jaundiced skin, the bloated tummy, the constipation, the chest pains, the fainting spells ... and the list goes on.

But everything will be fine... eventually :) No worries.

What a funny feeling comin' over me

2004-11-29T16:12:00.000-08:00

it's official... the big break is here!
slept only at 5 last night rushing through the socio report. well well, it's done! I am happy.
...

somewhere along this morning till now, i figured i've got serious growing up to do.
yes, why all the shirking and mulling over new responsibilities??
why run when you know it's bound to come and stay anyhow?
i guess.. it's true: as they say.. I AM A BIG GIRL NOW.
i shall resolve henceforth to embrace all that awaits me out there.. responsibilities big or small..
no more whining, no more grumbling, no more complaining... well, give me my occasional idiosyncratic breaks though ;)

yea.. positivity's the new order of the day!

and my my.. i've got to work hard for everything! ..
and one should be very thankful for a chance to work at something, anything ...
sometimes i am probably the luckiest nut in the world! ;) ... lately, i've been thinking.. perhaps, I REALLY AM... and i ought to take pride in that. i ought to.

I'm slowly.. but surely(?) growing comfortable in my own skin... accepting thyself finally..
it's a funny feelin.. i hope this feeling lasts though ...

Why keep asking 'Do you love me'? - Love thyself first.

it's time. i grow up. and growing up's more than just words alone.

growing child

THE ROAD NOT TAKEN

2004-11-29T15:25:00.000-08:00

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Robert Frost(1874–1963).